Lograh (lograh) wrote,

observant is not a quality I've ever been accused of having in great supply.

thus it can sometimes take me a few days to realize when people have dropped me from their friends lists..

How should I interpret it when this happens without any mention whatsoever of it happening? Should I just brush it off without any concern of how they feel about me? I used to be enough of an ass that I could have done that, but I can't any longer.. It does impact me to know that they no longer find me interesting/thoughtfull/humorous/whatever enough to waste those precious few lines of screen space on. How it impacts me, and why, are still great unanswered questions.

Perhaps I am attaching far too much importance to the fact that someone lists me on their "friends" list. That could easilly come from my listing habits, as I don't just add people willy-nilly, I will spend a week or two (sometimes a month or two) reading their journal seperate and trying to decide if I like their entries enough to add them, and then at some point I'll put them on my friends list. I know that others don't do this, quite simply because I've watched it happen.. Return-linking, for example, happening far too quickly from what I've seen. I've found myself on various people's lists after no longer than a few days, and it stuns me that they would decide so quickly.. But this is beside the point.

Now, when I find I'm not linked any longer, I am forced to consider what I may have done.. what I may have said, to bring this action about. I know that almost all the people I'm on the friends lists of have multiple groups, and they don't necissarrilly read all their "friends" all the time. So I figure I would be in some group of theirs and they would read my journal only every so-often.. But then, to find my posts so uninteresting and dull that they would go through the actions (okay, so it's only about 4 or 5 clicks, still it is *SOME* effort) to remove me from the list..

Oh well, it's not the first time I've had my self-views proved right.. Perhaps if I posted more interesting stuff here.. perhaps if I actually posted something personal once in a while? perhaps if I didn't keep everything so close, never telling anyone anything, then people would actually look forward to reading my journal..

But would I want that? people also look forward to watching their particular TV shows every week.. Do I really want to have my life reduced to the level of a TV show? no.

So, I continue to post meaningless drivel in my journal.. I continue to keep all my personal life off of LJ, and I continue to wonder just why I even bother with this anymore, all the while posting whenever I get bored.. As my website gathers cobwebs.. I keep thinking that if I got a computer running at my home, I could do my website work from there (it's only text anyway, it'll work fine over the modem), and then I could actually start having some interesting content happening over there.. as it is, though, I don't.. I'm either too lazy, or never home enough, or there's allways some other reason why I don't do it. Sorta like my German studies..

there's allways some reason to not.

Gah, lately that reason's been mostly nothing more than depression.. it doesn't help any that I missed the paperwork deadline to take classes AGAIN! feh, it matters not, I'm working on getting my work schedule shifted so that I'll not have to take any time off from work to attend the later classes. We'll see if they'll let me do it..

here's hoping.

I should probably cut this. there you go. I wouldn't want to have someone else deciding that I'm not worth this much of their precious screen space and removing me from their list as well.

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