This was not one of those days.
Today was just plain lame. I woke up, my eye still hurts from when it got fingered at the tourney and there is a nice big red mark on it from that encounter. Now at least it isn't a sharp pain like it was Saturday night and Sunday, but it's become a more noticeable dull pain. The kind that you know is there ALL the time, no matter how much you try to get your mind off it. So, while I could forget about the sharp pain for a bit I can't forget about this one at all. That and it feels like there's an eyelash that's bent into my eye all the time now, but I have verified there is not. Joy.
This is not what is making my day particularly lame. I don't really know what is, in fact. I just know that I'm feeling more . . . lacking than before. Sure, I'm still at work (those following closely would have allready guessed this from the prior knowledge that I haven't a computer at home I can do this on) but I really don't mind that much. I'm just chillin, listening to music, waiting for the lab to finish imaging so I can make sure they are all kosher and then head out for home. So, being here at work isn't really bumming me out.
I do know that part of it is my lack of a paper journal. Oh, I have the book, and the pens to write with (well, sorta -- I have one to use, but I'm not too sure I like it so I may get another), I just can't do it. Not yet. I know why, also -- and that's what really upsets me the most. I'm comming more and more into a realization that I was trying to hide from -- trying to block from my forethoughts by whatever means neccessary. My feeble attempts to avoid learning about myself while at the same time searching for myself are failing, and I'm not entirely fond of what I'm finding.
Yes, I've been a huge ass in recent months -- I was trying to be one, so I'm not suprised in the least. Yes I've withdrawn somewhat, again this was a purposeful decision on my part. What I was hoping would be false, and the reality of which I was trying to avoid, is an issue of trust. Respect, and trust, are both issues I'm having trouble with right now.
So, I've been finding I have an increasing urge to write in my paper journal, but I just can't do it. I have all these thoughts to get out of my head. So many ideas, dreams, pains, troubles, with nowhere to put them. Past weeks, I could ignore this issue since it wasn't really all that much a problem. For some reason, today is different. Today, I just can't devote any more than half my mind to any task at hand. I just can't get my head to stop spinning with the clutter that is blocking me.
And thus, the blah day I've had.
I forsee lots of troubled days in my future.