Lograh (lograh) wrote,

yup, another quiz

So, that personality disorder test is nice and fun, but as the great mahdi has demonstrated, the essay answers are more interesting and personal than the collective results of how crazy you are.

Hence, here are mine:

Do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age?

Yes, far more difficulty. I was forced recently to admit that I simply can't handle relationships. I'm working on overcoming this, though, because in a way, I did like being in a relationship.

Do you have difficulty trusting people?

Hrmm.. I have a basic level of trust I will grant to total strangers that I have noticed is higher than what most people will give to start with. This trust is far from complete, however, which takes a while to build up. That, and once trust is lost it is never regained -- ever.

Do you tend to avoid social relationships?

Yup, I feel the vast majority of humans (or, more specifically, Americans) are total idiots and I would rather not associate with mindless sheep.

Do you prefer to be alone rather than in the company of others?

Yeah, even with people I know to be wonderful and fun to be around, I still preferr being alone.

If you answered yes to the previous question, is it because you feel very anxious in social situations, or because you are suspicious of their motives?

Neither, I just like to be by myself.

Do you find yourself unaffected by praise or criticism?

Praise: Highly negatively affected. Tell me I'm a great person and it makes me embarrased and feel worse about myself. I know it's weird, but that's the way I am. I'm getting better, though.
Criticism: not much. I'll take note of your opinions, but they won't mean much to me.

Do you see people who get taken advantage of as being weak and deserving of being used?

Yup. Except in extreme circumstances, I feel that we create our own realities/situations and have no one to blame for our lives but ourselves. You got mugged and had over $100 stolen from you? Tough, you shouldn't have put yourself in the situation where that could happen (this very thing happened to me, and I didn't then nor do I now blame anyone except myself).

Do you feel a yearning for acceptance among your peers?

Yes. I would like to be considered a friend someday. Though this coupled with the fact that I hate it when people tell me they do consider me a friend (see "unaffected by praise", above) makes for an interesting situation.

Do you have a difficult time relating to others?

In everyday issues, yes. For troubling times, however, I can usually make the effort to see it through their eyes and understand where they are comming from.

Do you believe you have special extrasensory abilities (ability to "sense" a person's presence, for example)?

By a common person's definitions, yes. However, I do not feel that I posses anything particularly "special" or "extrasensory". By definition, all of reality is simply what you sense. If I'm experiancing something, it can't be "extra"-sensory. And I refuse to belive I'm in any way special.

Do you often find that your emotions are inappropriate for a given situation?

Yes, whenever suffering is involved. Human suffering doesn't hit me as hard as it seems to hit others, and the suffering of other lifeforms seems to hit me harder than it does others.

Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including loved ones, may be doing things behind your back that will end up hurting you?

Yup, fairly certian of it.

Do others see you as being cold and distant?

I imagine they likely do, though I can't speak for them in certainty.

Do you tend to choose jobs that are below your skill level?

Yes and no. My current one is most assuredly not below my level, I'm constantly having to learn new stuff. But every now and then, I enjoy having a project to work on that is a total no-brainer for me.

Do you find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a long time?

define long time. Also, it depends on the task. I have been known to spend over 24 hours straight coding one program (working on paper when I went for food breaks). Normally, though, I would be hard-pressed to maintain focus on a task longer than a few hours.

Is your appearance or behavior considered "eccentric" by other people?

Appearance: Used to be, I've toned it down quite a bit.
Behavior: Yeah, I'd have to plead guilty to that one. Though I'm not sure "eccentric" is a strong enough word for it.

Have other people accused you of being cruel to animals or people?

I've had people call me cruel before. Mostly with respects to how I have treated other people. I've had people say I'm cruel for things I've thought about doing to animals (the classic kitty-in-microwave springs to mind), but I'd never actually perform the acts.

Do you take actions without thinking about the consequences?

I try to avoid thinking about consequences too deeply. I'll give a cursory glance at consequences, and if nothing blatent jumps out at me, I'll assume there's nothing to worry about.

Do you sometimes profit at the expense of others, without being bothered by the pain or damage you may cause them?

Simply by living in this world, we are profiting at the expense of others. I'm bothered by the pain and damage, yes, but it has reached such an extreme level that I really have trouble distinguishing it from the background noise.

Do you consider your needs to be more important to you than the needs of others?

In some ways yes, in more ways no. When I'm aware of the needs, I'll usually give the needs of others higher billing than my own needs.

Do your moods fluctuate a lot?

Heh, I'd have to say yes to this one.

Are you prone to bouts of anger?

Only when particular buttons are pushed. There are not many of them, and only certain people are even allowed to get near them, but they are VERY sensitive and just brushing them is enough to set them off. Now, I don't get violent-angry, but I will sulk and be as miserable as possible for days on end depending on the trigger.

Do you often feel like people are saying negative things about you behind your back?

All the time. Constantly. Yes. It's a regular part of my life, knowing that people are speaking ill of me without my knowing.

Do you often see things in black and white terms? In other words, something either is or it isn't, with no gray area inbetween.

The whole world is shades of gray. I don't even consider the statement "it is day" to be a simple yes/no topic.

Are you often uninterested in the feelings of others?

Well, while I don't actually care much how your day went or if you're feeling fine right now, I am very concerned if my friends are emotionally upset or disturbed.

When you are talking to someone, do they sometimes have difficulty following your train of thought?

Yeah, I've had that concern expressed to me. Not because I follow multiple conversations or thoughts or anything fancy like that, but because I simply don't make much sense most of the time.

Are you quick to anger when your expectations are not met?

Nah, I'm used to disappointments, no matter how low I set my expectations.

Do you intentionally injure yourself, for instance by cutting yourself or taking too many pills?

nope. Haven't done stuff like that for a LONG time.

Do consider yourself having a strong love for approval and praise?

Nope. Actually, I have a strong aversion to approval and praise. They cut deeper than the worst insults, but then, I've gone over this allready.

Do other people accuse you of being manipulative?

Yeah, I've had that said about me before.

Have you had recurrent thoughts of suicide?

Yeah, at least once or twice a week. Sometimes a few times a day.

Do you tend to be critical of loved ones, sometimes holding them to higher standards than you hold yourself to?

Critical? Yes. Higher standards? Nope, just equal to the ones I hold myself to (even though I know they are too damn high, I'm working on that too).

Are you very afraid of being alone?

Nope, I love it.

Are you focused on order and perfection?

HA! No one who has ever seen my room/office would ever let me claim that.

Do you feel that you are depressed a lot?

Yeah, that's a blatent yes. Hell, I used to qualify for major depressive episode. I've since lost one or two requirements, but I'm still damn depressed most of the time.

Do you always feel the need to have a story to tell?

Yes and no. I don't like to have stories to tell, and I don't like telling stories, but I often feel others expect it of me for some reason. Thus I feel compelled to have a story to tell.

Have you ever been in jail or done something that you could be put in jail for?

Been in Jail? Nope. Done something. Hell, with the fscked-up laws out there I used to commit a felony or three each and every day! Treason a few times, and plenty of others. And it's getting easier and easier to land yerself in jail with each new law that gets passed. I would say I hate our government, but that's probably illegal by now as well.

Do other people accuse you of being self-centered?

Yeah, I've heard that one.

Do you occasionally or often dress or act provocatively to gain attention?

Not entirely to gain attention. I have done it for that very reason on rare occasion, though.

Do you have a big fear of rejection (of any kind, not just romantic)?

Romantic/interpersonal: Yes. Other: Not really.

Do you often second-guess yourself?

Nope. Er, waitaminute, make that Yes. Well, Sometimes? Yeah. Whoops, make that No. Naw, Switch it back to Yes. . .

Do you find yourself exaggerating your achievements to win the respect of others?

No. I try to play down my achievements.

Do you frequently alternate between feelings of high self-worth and self-disappointment?

Not all that frequently. I'm usually stuck in the self-disappointment area.

Do you tend to lie a lot?

Well, not by my definition. Most people think I'm too restrictive in my definition, though. While I'm not at all "open", and sometimes not particularly "honest" either, that which I say will be true to the letter. It may be misleading, but I won't take responsibility for what you inferr from my words if I did not explicitly state it.

Do you frequently reassure yourself that you are deserving of praise?

I try, but the small voice whispering "you deserve this praise" is usually drowned out by the voices screaming "you don't deserve this praise and are horrible for letting it be given to you".

Do you frequently reassure yourself that you are self-sufficient?

This fact is easilly demonstrated by my paying not only my bills, but by my helping other people pay theirs.

Do you often feel uncomfortable in social situations?

Depends on the crowd. If I percieve them to be "below" me, I am very uncomfortable and wish to leave quickly. If I percieve them to be "above" me, I try to stay as long as possible. After all, your environment can shape you.

Does your concern for doing everything "right" interfere with your productivity?

Not as often as perhaps it should.

Do you have trouble not taking criticism personally?

If I value the person, all criticism is very personal. If I don't value them, I've no worries.

Do you feel the need to always be in a relationship?

Nope. In fact, quite the opposite. This is something I'm trying to get over.

Are you quiet in social situations, often out of fear of saying something stupid?

Yes I'm quiet, but not for that reason. I say stupid things far too often to care anymore when it happens again.

Are you often critical of weakness in others, particularly classmates or coworkers?

If the weakness is arguably not the person's fault (birth defect, etc..) then no. Otherwise, yes!

Do you exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations in order to convince yourself not to try out new activities?

I do exaggerate potential difficulties, but only to ensure I am prepared for them. I don't let it stop me from trying it out.

Do you yearn for intimate relationships yet feel that you are too socially inept to obtain them?

I yearn for them, but feel I am not mentally capable of having them (see, "liking to be alone", above)

Do you ever steal things from stores or people's houses?


Do you suffer from low confidence?

In a lot of ways, yes. But at the same time, very much no. My arrogance is in some ways real, but it is also just as much fake -- trying to convince myself. This is yet another area I need work.

Have you ever exaggerated illness or other weakness in order to get attention?

To *get* attention? Nope. To get out of work, however... *on-phone* "Yeah, I'm *cough* sick today. I'll *hack* not be comming in." :)

Do you have an intense fear of separation from those you love?

Physical seperation? not really. I'm fine only seeing them once every two or three months (or longer). emotional seperation, however, I fear greatly.

Have others accused you of being arrogant?

*snicker* I've been called the most damn arrogant person around.

Do you avoid working in teams because you are convinced that others are too careless and will not work to your standards?

Not often, but sometimes. Depends mostly on the topic, how competent I feel in the area, and how I judge the other people.

Do you often let others make important decisions for you?

Yup. I'm horrible with decisions. It can take me an hour to decide what to have for dinner. Important decisions can take months. I'd rather have someone else (whom I trust) just say "DO IT" or "DON'T DO IT" than have to fret over it myself.

Do you have intense feelings of inadequacy and helplessness?

Inadequacy: Yup. definately. Helplessness: Hell no. I may not be able to stop the fall, or even dictate where I'll land, but I'll be fine after I hit ground.

Do you often get stuck on the details while missing the larger picture?

Sometimes yes, when the details interest me. Sometimes no, when the larger picture interests me. depends on the topic. Training in Math, I have to be able to see both and know which is more important at which time (it's called doing proofs for years on end).

Are you very concerned with your appearance and how others perceive you?

Not overly. I dress comfortably and only give minor consideration to how they see me.

Do others accuse you of being rigid or stubborn?

Yes and know. I've been told that I can be very flexible, but at the same time I've also been told I'm the most stubborn person they know.

Do you have a hard time throwing things away, even if they are old and worn out?

Yes. My memory is shot, so I need physical/electronic items around to remind me of events in my past.

Do you engage in any obsessive or compulsive behavior?

Yeah, sometimes.

Were your parents cold and distant or treated you negatively when you were growing up?

Not that I can think of. I actually think I had the best damn parents a person could ask for.


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