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marking time // personal thoughts - Lograh

Thursday, 04.Sep.2008

9:09 - marking time // personal thoughts

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Anniversaries are interesting things. In some instances I fail to see the importance people attach to them. Like birthdays, for example. Okay, yes, you've lived another year; congratulations on breathing? I just don't "get it". Others, I can totally understand. Wedding anniversaries, for example, I can see why some people might want to celebrate.

This is just one of the things that make me hard to date. I know this, but I find myself unconvinced that it is worth changing. I'm sure it played a part (minor, perhaps) in why my last relationship failed.

One year has gone by since then. And while I don't find myself inclined to 'celebrate' this, I do feel prompted to look back at this year of being single and think about it. Much like my birthday anniversaries. I don't have a party, but I do take some time surrounding the event to look back on the last year and give some contemplation to it. So then, some disconnected thoughts.

Let's start with the obvious. I still miss serenica69, still think of her often and hope she's found happiness. Can't go by her block without feeling sad about how I screwed up and hoping that she is doing well (unfortunate, that, since the most convenient bank for me is there). While the feelings have settled down some, they are still there. I thought at the time we had a good relationship, guess I was wrong. Her declaration when we broke up that "our entire relationship [had] been a waste of [her] time" still stings. I like to think that was just her anger talking, but the emails over the subsequent months where she claimed "I wish I'd never met you." and "The last thing that I would like is to see you" would seem to imply otherwise.

But, painful though it is to live without her, the time alone has allowed me to learn some more about who I am. I have been able to look at my time with others, and all my failed relationships, and some trends are discernible. In some ways, mslulu is right about my lack of fitness for relationships. I'm under no delusions that the breakups were not my fault. I know I screwed up, and some of the ways are ones that I can (and will) change, others are not. I have been fortunate enough to have had wonderful partners, and I am grateful to them for the chance to enjoy their company.

But now I'm single. Single, but not looking; 'off the market', as it were. Rejoicing in solitude, as the Buddha would say. Am I fooling myself? Perhaps. There is just so much to discover about life in the space between inhale and exhale. I can certainly look back on this year and say I've not been bored for even a moment. Disinterested or tired at times? Yes. "Bored"? No, it's impossible for me now to ever be bored. To me, being bored means you are in such a state of disinterest with life and everything around you that you just shut down to everything. You convince yourself that there really isn't anything interesting to do. There have certainly been moments when I'm just so tired that I can't muster the energy for it, but I know that as long as I'm breathing there is a whole world of experience for me to explore. Sloth is a tough nut to crack sometimes.

Yet perhaps this freedom from boredom is precisely why I am able to be content with not being in a relationship. Ever since I started dating (not that long ago, admittedly), I hadn't been single for a whole year. Yet every time before, I felt notably worse than I'm feeling this time around. Don't know if this is a good thing or not, but there it is. I also don't know if I'll keep this up for another year or if I'll decide next week that it's time for another relationship. Either way, I've learned a few things from this.

Sabbehi me piyehi manāpehi nānā-bhāvo vinā-bhāvo.

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