?

Log in

No account? Create an account

single again // life - Lograh — LiveJournal

Sunday, 19.Nov.2006

14:19 - single again // life

Previous Entry Share Flag Next Entry

well, that was quick. serenica69 has decided that I'm not the right guy for her after all, and called it off. In fairness, it was a rather big question if the relationship would work out or not to begin with. Her being a big fan of monogamy and me not so much. We tried it my way, and it would seem the thought of possibly sharing me with someone else (mind you, I never did go out with anyone else, but the possibility was there) disturbed her enough to stop the whole thing.

In a way, I kinda wish I had done something wrong. I wish she had said "I'm leaving you because of that one saturday", or whatever, just so I could have some bad action of mine to pin it on and vow to never treat someone like that again. But to have her only reasons (that she told me about, at least) be that she doesn't want to date me just because of who I am and how I see the world, I don't know quite how to take that.

Nicely enough, though, I did learn a little more about myself in relationships from this one. I had previously suspected that I wasn't cut out for monogamy and this time around I got to see what it's like to have your partner seeing someone else. I gotta admit, it was a whole heck of a lot nicer than I thought it would be. Before getting into the situation, I thought that maybe I'd be slightly resentful, or perhaps feel a twinge of jealousy when she said "sorry, I can't see you tonight, I'm seeing so-and-so instead". Instead I found myself happy for her. I had no problems at all putting off time with her if it turned out the other guy had asked her for that night first. It was a rather odd feeling, at first, having been in only monogamous relationships in the past, but that quickly faded as the whole thing just came almost naturally to me. I still don't know if I fit with any of the popular labels of our times, but I'm definitely sure that I'm much more comfortable and secure with my partner in a non-monogamous relationship. Granted, this is just going to make it that much harder to find someone else in the future, but such is life, eh?

So yeah, for those of you who were following along with the home game, I'm back to single.

Comments:

From:dotarvi
Date:21:24 20.Nov.2006 (UTC)
(Link)
So curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the lj user link for the girl you were seeing. I read her post. And I applaud her for being willing to give a response to the question.

I've known you a long time, and I have to say that I don't think it's your ego or arrogance that you have to worry about. Almost the opposite. You're a very intelligent person, and you see lots of connections between things. You see the patterns and flow. And I think that you assume and expect that other people see things that way too. You can be very obstinate about it, which I could see as being off-putting to most people. But it's not you thinking you're smarter than everyone else, I think it's more you expecting other people to be smarter than they are. (I use the word "smarter" very loosely. I guess I mean more, smart in the same way you are smart.)

I think, too, that you find your own thoughts about things more interesting sometimes than other people's thoughts about things. (And, unfortunately, since a lot of people don't bother to think about things at all, you're often probably right.)

And you and I share this one: a literal-mindedness that verges on compulsive. And I think that, especially for people who live in a "you know what I mean!" kind of world, is the most off-putting thing. Because how can anyone know what they mean when they don't say what they mean? I feel we share a refusal to accept the "you know what I mean" kind of communication that really drives a lot of people crazy.

And to the pride in not fitting in... I remember when you fit in a lot less, and this one is probably a left-over defense from when you were younger and had a lot more conflict. You learned for a long time that no one really "got you," and I think this is one place that you do assume that is still true.

I like you, and I'm really glad we're friends. I think you're an exceptional person, and I really enjoy your desire to make the connections, mental connections, between things. Your desire to understand the whys and hows is admirable. Including your desire to understand the whys and hows of connections between people, which a lot of people just take for granted.

I have more I am thinking on that, but I'm having trouble finding the right words, but I'll see you in a few weeks, and we can always talk about it then.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:16:50 21.Nov.2006 (UTC)
(Link)
an interesting note: that public post of hers you read was from two years ago when she and I were dating the first time (we broke up shortly after that post; March, I think). I had asked her (in another post of hers which is locked) to tell me what she hates about me. Some of my worst points.

You are always welcome to use email if it would be easier to type some words knowing they wouldn't be read by everyone (heck, there are things I don't put here because it's public as well). But then, I also look forward to having many conversations with you in the near future (nothing particular in mind, I just like talking with you -- you're pretty keen). If you'd rather save this for to be one of them that's fine by me. :)

I've been working hard on many of these points. I'd like to say that I'm getting better at it, but truly one cannot be a fair judge of one's own actions. :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From:dotarvi
Date:1:08 22.Nov.2006 (UTC)
(Link)
Funny, I didn't notice the date. It's not the public venue that was my concern, some things are just hard to get right on paper, so to speak, but you can get at them in conversation. And I look forward to many conversations, too. Any word on your vacation?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:eazycheeze
Date:23:35 20.Nov.2006 (UTC)
(Link)
i know a few people who make the non-monogamous relationships work...
but more that dont. lol

so... good luck. :)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:16:52 21.Nov.2006 (UTC)
(Link)
yeah, I don't expect to have any luck. I know damn well that most people are monogamous, and by finally accepting that I'm not comfortable in that kind of an arrangement I am excluding a lot of possibilities right from the start.

My potential dating pool just shrunk drastically.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From:damonakat
Date:17:25 21.Nov.2006 (UTC)

It is really none of my business...

(Link)
yeah, I don't expect to have any luck. I know damn well that most people are monogamous, and by finally accepting that I'm not comfortable in that kind of an arrangement I am excluding a lot of possibilities right from the start.

But this really sounds to me like self-defeating behavior. :-(

You are a very sweet (though quirky) guy. I want to believe it can still work out! I think communication and patience is number one. This is just coming from someone who has known her for a long time. I would love to say more, but I am at a loss for the words. :-)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:17:39 21.Nov.2006 (UTC)

Re: It is really none of my business...

(Link)
yeah, I suppose it is kinda self-defeating.. I'm just trying to be realistic about it. My first attempts at relationship failed, at least in part, because of a lack of comfort on my part with monogamy.

As regards her and I, I can't fault her for not being comfortable in a non-monogamous relationship. It's just the way she is and there's nothing wrong with it. Just like I was uncomfortable the first time around with monogamy. It's just the way I am. I don't feel any ill will towards her, and I understand and agree with her that it wasn't working for her. I totally understand her reasons for stopping it when she did, and I agree with her decision.

doesn't mean I have to be happy about it, though. :(
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)