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year in review // life - Lograh — LiveJournal

Friday, 30.Dec.2005

14:16 - year in review // life

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so this is thirty. Glad that's over with. Honestly, I think the months leading up to my thirtieth birthday were far worse than the day itself. There was all the anticipation, the "what if"ing, the looking back on my life. Looking at what I've accomplished (not much), what I've failed at (quite a bit). Birthdays are normally times of reflection for me, this one all the more so.
Now I've got this shiney new (well, barely used) "3" at the front of my age, and there's that big friendly "0" right after it, I know him! Not so much as this nice old "2" that I used to carry around, though. This kind gentle number, well polished with time spent carrying it in my pocket. Like an old friend, that one, now being laid to rest. But not for long, kind two -- I'll have need for you on occasion, barely 730 days from now I'll be dusting you off and taking you around some more. But it won't be the same, will it? Last time you got to put that three in it's place, now it seems it'll be the other way around.
I remember my birthdays, some of them, from my childhood. They weren't great times. I remember being happy because that's what was expected of me. It was allways a difficult time for my familly, I'm sure. Having my birthday so close to christmas made gift giving very convienant. My aunts and uncles only had to think of me once a year, just get a christmas gift, slap a "and happy birthday" on the end of the card and call it done. I really feel sorry for my grandma, because my birthday seems to fall on a hard to remember day. She never seemed to have trouble remembering the birthdays of my cousins, but mine allways seemed to escape her. I can understand, though. She probably was just a little upset that she had to share hers, so that might be why she kept forgetting it was mine too.
Not that I mind much, she was the only familly member kind enough to ignore my birthday. :) I kept wishing that it being her birthday would allow me to somehow magically dissappear in the shadows of some corner in another room (it being so close to christmas, it wasn't uncommon for there to be a familly gathering that day). I very vividly remember actually trying to do that one birthday, then being called over to stand by her while they all sang a horribly out of tune "happy birthday" for the two of us. This tradition has somewhat fallen by the wayside in recent years, thankfully. I haven't heard a "happy birthday" from my familly (with the exception of my mother and father) for some time now. I finally got my mom to let it slide last year. My father is still being a bit more stubborn, but his birthday emails are getting shorter and shorter. I figure another year or two should do it for him as well.
This year's birthday was easilly the best I can remember ever having. I spent it with good people, out and about. I didn't hide away from the world like I've been known to do. And those I was with didn't make one single mention of it, thank you to both of you (you know who you are). It means the world to me to be able to just enjoy the day without any fuss or big deal being made or anything. To be able to just wake up, and spend quality time with people you care for, and to live life as it is. I can't begin to describe how wonderful it was. I like my birthdays like I like my armegeddon : not with a bang... :)

I found a checklist I posted last year, let's see how I did:
"get my frelling finances in order" -- well, a few more payments and it's done, certainly a lot closer.
"take a vacation. three weeks minimum" -- nope, not quite. damn close, though; it's scheduled for Jan.
"get over the past and start keeping a journal again" -- yup. here in my pocket, in fact. Illustrated, even! :)
"stop taking unnecessary shit from people" -- I think I've got this one done. I don't feel particularly shat-upon.
"take the comps" -- er, yeah, well, if I was any better at making paperwork deadlines I'd have done it.

I like that checklist idea. Make a list of goals, then promptly forget about it till the end of the year and then look back to see how you did. I'm going to do it again.

Checklist for the not-so-big-but-still-considerably-sizeable-Three-oh:
Comps. Now. idiot! if not this year, I'll be kicked out of the program for good, kinda gotta get it done.
explore art. I would like thirty to be a year of artistic growth for me. I've dabbled with plenty of art, and both my parents are artists. I've exhibited plenty of artistic talent (rather, have received compliments at stuff when I'm just barely fiddling with it), and I do so enjoy the act of artistic creation, but for some reason I just keep it at the dabbling stage. I'd like to truly explore this aspect of me that continues to pop it's head up in whatever I do. I don't have to give any one expression of it serious study, but I would like to devote some real time to the expression of it all the same. as I have listed in my interests, "life as an artform", so would I like to finally explore in earnest.

Yeah, that's good enough for now.