ya know, I go and try to get enough sleep. I try to recognise that I'm not wanting to get up in the morning (well, the desire to not get up is more than normal, as I never really want to get up -- I'm a big fan of sleep) and so I should probably go to bed early. So I actually get to bed at a *very* reasonable hour (8 is reasonable, isn't it?), and what happens? my thoughts just won't stop racing! GAH!!!
one thing I hate about this time of year.. thoughts on relationships. for some reason, I seem to think more about relationships in the fall/winter months than spring/summer.. not sure why.. perhaps it's because my birthday is comming up and I've got the whole "yup, another year alone" thing going on? perhaps there's some link between depression, kind of a "hey look, here's *another* part of my life that's going nowhere" thing? I mean, sure, all these thoughts are true enough, but why so much more in the winter months? I don't know why, haven't the faintest.. all I know is that they can have a most annoying habit of keeping me up at night past when I should be asleep.
what is it about relationships? and I'm not talking of friendships here, I mean the "significant other" kind of relationship.. I dunno about you, but I just can't figure them. on the one hand, it can make you feel like the top of the world when your partner smiles at you (and you'll have to forgive me the gender-based statements in my words, but the only two relationships I've had have both been with females), when you see her look at you, and just smile. To know that you crossed her mind in that moment (to borrow words from those more eloquent than myself). There's something about the times when you can offer some consolation, no matter how little, and to know that it might have helped to make a bad day even the littlest bit better for her. it's a feeling that is painfully lacking in any other moment, I've found.
Then there's the other side of that beautiful coin. The moments when you want nothing more than to get away from this person. When she's driving you mad for no reason at all, through no fault of her own you just feel there's nothing more important than to put as much distance between the two of you as is possible. You want to just chew off your own arm if only it would help free you from her grasp (figuratively, or sometimes literally). Just as the most pleasurable moments in your life are to be found with her (see above), so too are the most painfull moments in all existance.
And yet we crave this. This person, the praises of whom we want to call out to all the world one day, and who is at the top of our "too kill, perhaps after tea" list the next. Why? I don't know. It does so frustrate me, though, sometimes.
One reason, I guess, is because I'm not fooling myself that I'd be any good as a boyfriend. I saw just how royaly I managed to destroy my past relationships. In a way, I suppose it was rather impressive that I could mess up to such a degree. But having done that, and having seen just how much it can hurt her, I know I'm not fit for such things. And every time I get to thinking about someone like I might like to try dating this person, and I think how it could be nice, I also remember just how difficult I am to get along with. I'm forced to admit that, even if she didn't mind this, or that, or the other. She'd definatley not be comfortable with this other bit. Or possibly this one. Or any of the myriad of incompatabilities that would be inevitably found, as always there are in normal relationships (just more so in mine). So I think, what if I changed this, that, or the other? she may actually like this bit of me, if only I changed it just *so*. Is it absolutely necessarry that I think *this*? or what about *that*, would that work for me? I keep thinking of each thing that I've seen get in the way, and how I can change it. Heck, I've got a car now (not that I did it for the ladies, there are other primary reasons for the car -- but don't think I didn't consider this aspect of it) and I've often given serious thought to getting a bed of some sort, even though I know I'd be miserable sleeping on it. And there's the rub, as it were. I may have all these things about me that make people say "I could never date someone who had that problem" (I've been told it hundreds of times), but they are there because that's just the way I am. I've given much thought and spent years experimenting with just about every aspect of my life, and I live this way because it's the way I'm most comfortable. while I understand, and agree, that relationships are not going to be comfortable, I have to at least assume they don't mean you have to be miserable. I shouldn't have to hate myself for doing something every day that I disagree with and goes against my morals, simply because doing so makes me more datable. I'll accept the girl sometimes making me feel miserable (it happens in relationships) but I don't need to make myself feel miserable for what I've become just to get the girl.
And this brings us to tonights reason why I'm still up. Just a passing fit of "wouldn't it be nice if ... and I" followed by "but she'd never accept ..." with a nice chaser of "is ... really necessary?". on the plus side, it's wonderful motivation to examine my life closely. To take a long hard look at just what I am, and why I'm so dysfunctional. it's moments like this that made me promise myself I'd never again make major decisions quickly.
but yeah. wishfull thinking can be such a bitch sometimes. hopes, dreams, they can lift our spirits to such wonderful heights if we're not careful. then the harsh sunlight of reality causes some "techinical difficulties" and we come crashing back to the cold hard ground. I know I've got a lot still to work through. and it's one of my more annoying failings that I keep wanting to somehow take a shortcut to bypass all the tedious stuff and get to where I'm going. ah well. such is life, I suppose.
how's that go? Life is suffering? yup, them desires do work so well to encourage this state of affairs.
all this spinning my wheels while going nowhere. I know I need to fix it, but how?
please, that's rhetorical. most of you know me well enough to be able to tell from the mood of the text, but for those who don't: common comments won't be appreciated -- constructive criticism only, please.