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thwarted at every turn // thoughts - Lograh — LiveJournal

Tuesday, 08.Nov.2005

20:24 - thwarted at every turn // thoughts

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you can skip this one, it's just me getting thoughts to words, nothing more. odds are *VERY* good you do not want to read this.

ya know, I go and try to get enough sleep. I try to recognise that I'm not wanting to get up in the morning (well, the desire to not get up is more than normal, as I never really want to get up -- I'm a big fan of sleep) and so I should probably go to bed early. So I actually get to bed at a *very* reasonable hour (8 is reasonable, isn't it?), and what happens? my thoughts just won't stop racing! GAH!!!

one thing I hate about this time of year.. thoughts on relationships. for some reason, I seem to think more about relationships in the fall/winter months than spring/summer.. not sure why.. perhaps it's because my birthday is comming up and I've got the whole "yup, another year alone" thing going on? perhaps there's some link between depression, kind of a "hey look, here's *another* part of my life that's going nowhere" thing? I mean, sure, all these thoughts are true enough, but why so much more in the winter months? I don't know why, haven't the faintest.. all I know is that they can have a most annoying habit of keeping me up at night past when I should be asleep.

what is it about relationships? and I'm not talking of friendships here, I mean the "significant other" kind of relationship.. I dunno about you, but I just can't figure them. on the one hand, it can make you feel like the top of the world when your partner smiles at you (and you'll have to forgive me the gender-based statements in my words, but the only two relationships I've had have both been with females), when you see her look at you, and just smile. To know that you crossed her mind in that moment (to borrow words from those more eloquent than myself). There's something about the times when you can offer some consolation, no matter how little, and to know that it might have helped to make a bad day even the littlest bit better for her. it's a feeling that is painfully lacking in any other moment, I've found.
Then there's the other side of that beautiful coin. The moments when you want nothing more than to get away from this person. When she's driving you mad for no reason at all, through no fault of her own you just feel there's nothing more important than to put as much distance between the two of you as is possible. You want to just chew off your own arm if only it would help free you from her grasp (figuratively, or sometimes literally). Just as the most pleasurable moments in your life are to be found with her (see above), so too are the most painfull moments in all existance.

And yet we crave this. This person, the praises of whom we want to call out to all the world one day, and who is at the top of our "too kill, perhaps after tea" list the next. Why? I don't know. It does so frustrate me, though, sometimes.

One reason, I guess, is because I'm not fooling myself that I'd be any good as a boyfriend. I saw just how royaly I managed to destroy my past relationships. In a way, I suppose it was rather impressive that I could mess up to such a degree. But having done that, and having seen just how much it can hurt her, I know I'm not fit for such things. And every time I get to thinking about someone like I might like to try dating this person, and I think how it could be nice, I also remember just how difficult I am to get along with. I'm forced to admit that, even if she didn't mind this, or that, or the other. She'd definatley not be comfortable with this other bit. Or possibly this one. Or any of the myriad of incompatabilities that would be inevitably found, as always there are in normal relationships (just more so in mine). So I think, what if I changed this, that, or the other? she may actually like this bit of me, if only I changed it just *so*. Is it absolutely necessarry that I think *this*? or what about *that*, would that work for me? I keep thinking of each thing that I've seen get in the way, and how I can change it. Heck, I've got a car now (not that I did it for the ladies, there are other primary reasons for the car -- but don't think I didn't consider this aspect of it) and I've often given serious thought to getting a bed of some sort, even though I know I'd be miserable sleeping on it. And there's the rub, as it were. I may have all these things about me that make people say "I could never date someone who had that problem" (I've been told it hundreds of times), but they are there because that's just the way I am. I've given much thought and spent years experimenting with just about every aspect of my life, and I live this way because it's the way I'm most comfortable. while I understand, and agree, that relationships are not going to be comfortable, I have to at least assume they don't mean you have to be miserable. I shouldn't have to hate myself for doing something every day that I disagree with and goes against my morals, simply because doing so makes me more datable. I'll accept the girl sometimes making me feel miserable (it happens in relationships) but I don't need to make myself feel miserable for what I've become just to get the girl.

And this brings us to tonights reason why I'm still up. Just a passing fit of "wouldn't it be nice if ... and I" followed by "but she'd never accept ..." with a nice chaser of "is ... really necessary?". on the plus side, it's wonderful motivation to examine my life closely. To take a long hard look at just what I am, and why I'm so dysfunctional. it's moments like this that made me promise myself I'd never again make major decisions quickly.

but yeah. wishfull thinking can be such a bitch sometimes. hopes, dreams, they can lift our spirits to such wonderful heights if we're not careful. then the harsh sunlight of reality causes some "techinical difficulties" and we come crashing back to the cold hard ground. I know I've got a lot still to work through. and it's one of my more annoying failings that I keep wanting to somehow take a shortcut to bypass all the tedious stuff and get to where I'm going. ah well. such is life, I suppose.

how's that go? Life is suffering? yup, them desires do work so well to encourage this state of affairs.

all this spinning my wheels while going nowhere. I know I need to fix it, but how?

please, that's rhetorical. most of you know me well enough to be able to tell from the mood of the text, but for those who don't: common comments won't be appreciated -- constructive criticism only, please.

Comments:

[User Picture]
From:spasmsproject
Date:12:11 09.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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The onset of fall and winter is a tough time for many people. There's a syndrome called "Seasonal Affective Disorder" wherein people tend to get overly depressed and reflective. My brother has it, and I had a neighbor with it, too. When it gets dark out early and stays dark late in the morning, it's hard to cope.

My neighbor tried light therapy, and it worked great for him. Got these bright lights that emulated sunlight and a rheostat on a timer that slowly made his bedroom brighter an hour earlier than usual, and left his bedroom bright in the evening, then slowly faded out so he had to use lamps in an emulation of summer daylight hours. There's some strong scientific data in support of this therapy, so you might want to check it out.

On the relationship stuff, I just don't know. I had a pretty miserable marriage and I seem to have hit on what I've got with Rob by sheer luck, so I don't know how to get into something like that.
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[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:16:45 09.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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yeah, I know a few people with SAD. I don't have that (and I wouldn't belittle their condition by implying I did -- it can be quite debilitating and I just have to suffer some inconvienant thoughts for a few months). I just get a little moody 'round November, December, and January. I'm usually back to normal by late January or February. Though I do appreciate the advice, thank you.
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[User Picture]
From:bridgeweaver
Date:18:30 09.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Please take all the following with appropriate salt, as I really don't know you all that well. Havingsaid that:

I read your description of the thoughts you have as someone who is unwilling to let go of life enough to allow others with free will, (especially those women who bring a zing to your heart) the space in which to decide to like, trust, put up with and all those other verb-y things that taken together constitute love you. You set up the obstacle course that she is a priori intended to fail. Perhaps that's safer. Perhaps it doesn't give enough credit to the objects of your affection for being able to accept you for who you are.

This is not about changing who you are, or how you choose to live. If you don't have a bed, I suppose there's a good reason for that and you know your body better than anyone else. If there are things that you can't abide being forced to do, good on you, you disprove the old saw that a stiff prick has no conscience. As the Sweet Potato Queens say, "be particular".

erisian_fields and I each have some ways about us that are collectively and individually wrong, according to some perceptions of good taste, good parenting, good couple behavior. And yet, together we work so much better than do either of us alone. I don't know whether or not I believe in the soul mate concept, but f it were true, she would be mine.

I have made poor choices, participated in the utter destruction of relationships, and at minimum allowed my genitals to lead me astray on a number of occasions. Now, I have found someone whose quirks complement mine, so that together, we can make a home.

I remember having to tell a girlfriend to stop assuming that I wouldn't accept X or put up with Y. I finally put it to her that she was not allowing me to exercise my own judgment, and wasn't giving me any credit. Perhaps this might apply to you as well.

I don't know how applicable you will find all this, take from it what works for you.
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[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:19:34 09.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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you raise an excellent point. I must admit that, upon consideration, in some ways I perhaps do put these presuppositions on how others will view me. If I don't know someone, I guess I do tend to have a considerable ammount of suspicion regarding if she'd ever accept me at all. However, it is worth noting that I base my suspicion on the frequencies I've seen from the population as a whole. Which is just as bad, to assume that she's 'just like everyone else' when it is her individuality and uniqueness that draws me to her in the first place. So you are right, I do need to stop that. It is a habit I'd rather not have.

One thing, though, that I was also referring to, would be the cases where I'd like to go out with someone, but certain issues have been discussed and I know that she is not cool with one of my quirks. In those cases, at least, when she's said "I won't date someone who has this trait" I would think that my having that trait would exclude me from the potential dating pool. Or do you think I'd need to reconsider even this case?

Thank you for your words, they have much merit and I appreciate them. this is exactly why I type these thoughts up, to have others read them and offer their take on things. Thank you very much for taking your time with me.
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[User Picture]
From:bridgeweaver
Date:1:11 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Hmmm, the case you pose would certainly give me pause as well, but for me the receipt of a no is somewhat less demoralizing than the what-if if I never say anything. YMMV. (Which amusingly enough was once translated "your mouth, my vagina, back in the day before the acronyms we use all the time were quite so universal.. I was (fortunately) not the intended recipient of this largesse. But that's a story for another time.
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[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:4:32 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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yes, I agree that a known "no" is certainly preferred to a "what if" situation. it still sucks plenty, and leads to me questioning my lifestyle if in fact the no was based on some quirk I have.
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From:dotarvi
Date:2:44 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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I've been trying to form language to respond to what you wrote, because I have an opinion, I'm just having trouble putting it into words. I'm in town and would really like to see you, maybe I'll do better in person. Do you think we could get together tomorrow? Or maybe Friday during the day?
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From:lograh
Date:4:29 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Yes, I would love to see you! Friday lunch can be done easilly. Unfortunately I have a rather important meeting Thursday that I don't want to have to rush a lunch with you because of, and I have a standing thursday evening arrangement I'd not be comfortable canceling on this short notice. I'd also like to see you next week, or this weekend, if it wouldn't be considered too great a draw on what little time you have here. That can be discussed Friday over bread store food, though. :)
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From:dotarvi
Date:4:41 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Okay, Friday at the Bread Store! What time?
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[User Picture]
From:lograh
Date:15:08 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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noonish?
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From:dotarvi
Date:17:16 10.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Okay, when I first replied I forgot I was working on Friday... Can we do it later in the afternoon? If not maybe we can get together Saturday...
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