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a very rough draft // dating life - Lograh — LiveJournal

Monday, 31.Oct.2005

16:51 - a very rough draft // dating life

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edit: this post got some strong reactions. if you're going to read it please read the comments as well, as a good deal of it is discussed and my intentions made clearer. This was the first draft and it was not put together well at all.

So, not that I'm actually looking for anyone yet, but I thought I'd sit down and throw together a quick little personals ad that I'd post, were I to post one to somewhere like craigslist or somesuch. Clearly this won't work for a newspaper, but the online places give you a little more than 10 words to work with. :)

This is a first-draft, very rough, and is being put here mostly as a place to put it, but also for those of you who have spoken with me on this topic a few times.

Reasons to not date me:
I'm not Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Pagan, or any other recognized religion. So if you don't want to date someone unless they share your religion, you won't want to date me. I do have a religion, I'm rather solid in my beliefs, and I won't be converted. I come close to a form of Buddhism, but don't walk entirely along that path.
I don't have a bed. By this I mean not that I have a mattress on the floor -- I don't even have the mattress. I have a mattress topper that provides about an inch of soft between me and the floor, that's it. This is by choice, as sleeping on a mattress (even a futon) will cause me to wake with serious pain.
If you don't want to date someone who doesn't have a car, don't bother contacting me.
I'm not tall, and am somewhat overweight. 5'9", 185-190lbs, I figure about 10-15 pounds of that
is me being a lazy bum who doesn't exercise enough, it's in the form of a notable belly.
I'm not rich. I have lingering credit card debt that I'm working on paying off, but it's slow-going and most of my extra pay each month goes to those bills. As a result I live paycheque to paycheque and don't have much left over.
I like being alone. My ideal type of relationship is one where you have your life, your friends, and you take care of your own issues, I'll do the same, and we get together about once a week for a few hours (mind you, this is well into the relationship and would be considered a lot of contact by my standards). Don't call or email me daily, I don't want to hear the minutiae of your daily life and I don't care if you're thinking of me or not. One of my friends came up with a phrase that perfectly describes my relationship style: "I love you, now go away."
I suspect I'm not entirely monogamous. My policy is that if one person in a relationship wants to pursue someone outside the relationship, s/he is free to do so provided the other person(s) in the relationship are fully aware of the pursuing and give their express permission to pursue that specific individual. Further, any sexual relationship requires the utmost of honesty and openness about any actions that could have an effect on the other members of the relationship. Translated: I'll get your permission first before chasing anyone else and expect you to do the same, and safety is of paramount importance. That said, I don't consider recreational flirting to be pursuing, nor do I consider it in any way a violation of any monogamous status of the relationship. Recreational flirting is play, and just something I do from time to time with the right people. Either way, if you want someone who is strictly yours 100%, I'm not your guy. This is not to say I'm a "Playa" or anything of the sort, I just know that in my previous relationships (which were 100% monogamous) I've gotten some grief from my partner regarding my behaviour.
I am very opinionated and love to discuss controversial topics. I don't care if you agree with me or not, but be ready to support your claims and back up your position. Don't say "I disagree" then refuse to elaborate on how or why. Don't feel that I'm attacking you personally when I'm simply testing your claims and questioning aspects of your stance. Don't be afraid to state your opinion, and be ready to discuss/debate it when you do. Sometimes we will come to agree on something, most the time we won't. Either way is fine by me and reflects a healthy relationship as long as we respect the other's opinions as being equally as valid as our own.
I do use words with more than four syllables, and I will take the time to spell out "you" in the written word. I expect the same in my partner.
I don't celebrate christmas, or almost any other religious day. Not being of those religions I don't see the point in celebrating their important dates. I also don't celebrate birthdays, as there's nothing particularly monumental in managing to survive 365 more days. I have been known to make an exception for my partner's sake, but I didn't like it and would rather not have to.
I get particularly moody 'round November and December. If you want someone who's extra-happy that time of year I'm not your man.

Reasons to date me:
I've been told I'm actually not entirely unattractive.
I consider the ideal date to be an evening of conversation over some food, drinks, walking, and sitting. Though I suppose this could just as easily be a reason not to date me for some people. :)
I can take care of my own problems.
I've been told I'm quite thoughtful and caring.
I will treat you with total equality. I'll still open the door, pull out the chair, and otherwise be somewhat old-fashioned for you (most the time), but you will be treated as an equal to me in every way. I won't assume you are incapable of anything, and I won't think of you in any way my (or anyone's) inferior. Judging from the way some gals talk, I'm thinking this is largely considered a reason not to date me (too many girls want nothing more than to be pampered and coddled), but I feel it's a positive thing so it's sticking here.

I'm extremely picky in my ladies. Admittedly, perhaps a bit too picky. That said, here's what I would consider ideal (keep in mind, this is *ideal*, not what I'm expecting):
Shorter than me (5'1" would be keen)
about 10 pounds overweight for your frame (I don't like too thick or too skinny)
dark brown hair, the darker the better. Black is great. Natural colour is muchly preferred.
I like breasts, though like the rest of the body not too much or too little (around a C cup is best).
Long, straight hair (at least shoulder length). Short is okay on some people, but it's a rare person when I like it that way. Curly just doesn't do anything for me (extra-curly is a turn-off).
Healthy-Light complexion, but not pale.
close to zero makeup
simple, functional clothing. A dress can be nice, in the right situations, and I'm always a fan of a cute little skirt, but the outfit that I find most appealing and arousing on the female form is a sweatshirt with sweatpants. Simple and comfy, that's what I like.
I want to be able to have a conversation without having to explain most the words I use, and I refuse to 'dumb down' my speech for those I associate with.
Intelligence is important, a willingness/ability to learn is even better.
Self-reliance. We all need help sometimes, but when it becomes a habit is when there's a problem.

Comments:

From:serenica69
Date:1:56 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Hmmmm. I see your cons are longer than your pros.
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From:lograh
Date:2:05 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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well, yeah.. but we knew this much would be true.. I'm not exactly Time magazine's "most desireable bachelor"

I'm not going to lie about anything, so "great in bed" is out. kind of a bummer that, as it seems half the ladies out there are looking for that. :)
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From:cheshire_monkey
Date:2:26 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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but we knew this much would be true.. I'm not exactly Time magazine's "most desireable bachelor"

Maybe not "Time" Magazine but I think you are selling yourself short. I can think of a number of other "pro's" for you to add. ;D
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From:lograh
Date:15:51 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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well, we always are our own worst critics, no?
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From:noodlboy
Date:17:58 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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Your list of desired traits in a partner is almost entirely physical. From what I know of you, I'd suspect that you place more importance on the mental and personality traits. This doesn't come across in your writting. It sounds like your main concern is to get somebody with a certain physical appearance who can put up with all of your quirks. Short of that, as long as they can understand you and can take care of themselves, you could care less what their interests, thoughts, and goals are. Perhaps that is accurate, but I don't think so...
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From:pleckos
Date:18:42 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)

agreed

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thanks for articulating how i felt after i read his post but couldn't quite put into words.
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From:lograh
Date:18:44 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)

Re: agreed

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reply below... he raises some very good points, clearly I didn't word it at all accurately if my meanings are this easilly missed.
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From:lograh
Date:18:43 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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a keen observation. Perhaps I didn't make it entirely clear, then. I tried to cover a lot of the mental attributes that I'm looking for in the first section, but I guess I didn't do a good enough job of it.

To an extent, you're right. I don't care what type of music she listens to, since I listen to all kinds (seriously, all kinds -- even rap, country, and opera). I suppose I should mention that I'd prefer if she listened to more than one genre, but I wouldn't mind much if she didn't. Politically, I don't care if she's hardcore republican or democrat, since I'm neither. I disagree with dems on some issues and disagree with reps on others. I want someone who is willing to engage in intelligent, rational, debate on all topics. I thought I mentioned that, but perhaps it wasn't worded right. Goals are terribly important to me. I don't want anyone who's just 'treading watter' through life. That was completely skipped, thanks for pointing it out.

See, it's tough for me to say "looking for fellow trance fan to enjoy drinks with" since I honestly don't want someone who agrees with me or shares my interests. I want someone who has her own ideas, her own interests, who has grown in to who she is, as a person, and is willing to share these ideas and interests with someone else. To that end, I can't really list any kind of preferred interests or ideals. I want someone who will argue with me every year when the ballots come out. I want someone who is open to listen to a CD with me, but still tell me it sounds like crap when it's done (or possibly admit that it's got some merit to it). The reason I listed that I'm looking for anything at all is that I recognise that physical characteristics are important to the extent that they are a very real first test that anyone must go through. We all judge other people by how they look/dress/act far before we will ever start talking to them and get to know them as a person. The intended seting for this list being online, the physical qualities are not there for me to see so I must explicitly list them out.

It is true that putting up with my quirks is the greatest roadblock to my being in a relationship. I'm not easy to get along with, on any level, and to attempt a relationship with me would take someone with an inhuman ammount of patience. I recognise this, so I wanted to get that part out right up front. I'm trying to soften some of my edges a bit, be slightly more tolerable as a person. It's tough, though, since I've spent a good number of years growing up as I have.

You raise a good point, though. I must find some way to emphasize that the physical is nice up front, but it will be ignored quickly upon learning who the peson is. I don't care about any specific ideas, interests, or goals a person has. But I insist that they have them and be willing to share and discuss them. I'll have to find some way to get this across.
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From:noodlboy
Date:19:05 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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I do see that information in your post, however it is hidden. Also, you must remember that the last thing that is read is the thing that is best remembered. You start off with the negatives. I think I understand the reason behind that. If anybody is completely turned off by that, then the chances of them being happy with you are minimal, so they might as well stop reading there. You then cover your positives. Then, you go on to cover what you want. Here, you only list the physical traits. Since the main topic of the first paragraph was YOUR negative traits, the information supplied about your potential partners personality will be forgotten or ignored. It will be overruled by what they read in the part ABOUT them.

Your statements in your reply, about wanting somebody who will listen and debate and have an open mind are very good. THAT should be included in your original post.

I honestly don't want someone who agrees with me or shares my interests. I want someone who has her own ideas, her own interests, who has grown in to who she is, as a person, and is willing to share these ideas and interests with someone else. To that end, I can't really list any kind of preferred interests or ideals. I want someone who will argue with me every year when the ballots come out. I want someone who is open to listen to a CD with me, but still tell me it sounds like crap when it's done (or possibly admit that it's got some merit to it).


THIS is what I was expecting to see in the original. You need to get this across. Your post makes it sound like you are very persknikety and that whoever you are with will just have to deal with it. I know darned well that that isn't the case. You are a debater. You would get bored if they just put up with all of your ideas and opinions. You cover this a little, but it comes across sounding more like you are overbearing and argumentative than that you like a good debate and have an inquisitive mind. From my memories of you, you like to explore a topic through debate. If somebody brought up a topic and had the same viewpoint as you, you'd probably debate the other side, just to delve into the subject and thoroughly explore your, and your partner's, reasons for believeing what you do. Your statements in the original post sound like any potnential parter you find will be under attack most of the time and that they will have to defend themselves. It should sound more like they will be entering into a partnership on equal ground and that they will be able to explore and learn WITH you.

I think your goals in the post were correct, it's just the way things are worded that make the feeling not right. Your response to my post described you much better.

Sorry for jabbering on. This post is probably filled with grammatical and spelling errors. But I'm at work and don't really have the time to type it, much less to proof read it. But, despite the fact that I haven't really talked with you at length in many years, I knew that the original post was misrepresenting you and felt that you should rework it a bit. Hopefully, my comments will help a bit.
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From:lograh
Date:19:17 01.Nov.2005 (UTC)
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no need to appologise, you have good ideas and you raised excellent points. I'l have to rework this further when I have more time for it. Like you, I'm at work right now and don't have the presence of mind at the moment for something like this, but I do appreciate your taking the time to mention this with me. Thanks for your input.

I'll also need to shorten it a bit, it's a little long. But then, it was more of just an initial dump of ideas that I wanted to get out and 'written' down before they escaped my mind than any finalized product.
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