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more disclosure // memeage - Lograh — LiveJournal

Friday, 12.Aug.2005

19:32 - more disclosure // memeage

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What do you least like about yourself?
hrmmmm.. I've got quite the list of items to choose from, it'll be tough to come up with a *least* liked... My solitary streak is certainly up on the list. I would so like to be able to maintain a relationship, but I just can't stand to be around someone that closely for very long. I know this causes problems in any intimate setting, but I'm not entirely certain how to work on it. Of course, for right now it's actually a strength so I'm not trying to do anything about it. Perhaps when I'm done with the MA and have more time to devote to it, I'll look at it.
My memory is another thing I'm not terribly fond of. Sure, it's kinda amusing at times, how I forget everything, but overall it is so fscking annoying never being able to recall anything with *ANY* certainty at all. I can't trust that I did anything, I can't remember names, numbers, or appointments at all, so I'm perpetually worrying if I'm forgetting something I'm supposed to be doing. If it doesn't get written down, I don't remember it. If it does get written down, I forget to check the paper and it still doesn't get done. quite annoying, that.
hrmm.. I still have a tendancy to carry things much further than I should. Sometimes I set the girl down at the riverbank, sometimes I take her piggy-backing for miles... but I am getting better at noticing when I'm doing that and I can set her down quickly at that point, so it's not a big problem.
So yeah, I don't really have a *least* liked thing, but there are a few of the leaders in that race.

Any specific reason you started attaching things to that hat? And what were they all?
I liked the way they looked. It started with a few small buttons for various noise bands or events I went to, but they quickly began to encircle the hat, so I switched to a ribbon and just one button. Currently, (well, currently it's at nothing as it is on loan sans decorations but when I get it back) it is at a small group of feathers (came with it and I think they are purdy), a noisefest button, the Stetson pin that came with it (holding in the feathers), and a purple-blue-ish ribbon. I like to decorate the hat as, nice though it is, I like the way it looks and it's fun to sometimes take off the hat and fidget with the ribbon or feathers a bit.

Are you happy with the direction your life is going? Explain.
I've had to learn a lot of patience with the direction my life is heading right now. I'm vaguely along the same path I wanted to be on a decade ago, though the rate at which I'm traveling that path has significantly decreased from that which I had initially planned on. I suppose this comes with age, and an appreciation for the process that I hadn't previously had. I've taken a detour or two, but they were enjoyable and I wouldn't trade the experiances for anything. It's like I've merged off the highway and am instead meandering along side-streets. I'll still get there, but I'm in no hurry and I'm just enjoying the journey.
And that's how I like it now. Some long-term goals I hope to acheive eventually, but I'll not be overly upset if it doesn't come to pass as I've chosen to focus on the process and just enjoy getting there.
So, in a roundabout way of answering your question, yes.

anything you'd like to know about me?
yes.

Why so shy about pictures?
Though I can't give a complete history, I can say that at one point (call it 15 years ago) I had a severe phobia/hatred of having my picture taken. cause unknown, as I don't remember ever being any other way. It was quite impressive, though, in it's impact on my life. I've since worked on it and can now have my picture taken without much stress, but I still am not overly fond of it. So, call it a recovering photophobia. I'll not complain much if someone wants to take my picture, but I won't volunteer for it and I often try to position myself so group photos don't include me.
Part of it's probably linked to my dislike for recognition of any kind. I don't accept awards, I don't like getting "job well done" gifts or cards, I have refused being listed in programs for productions I've worked on. Just let me do my work and leave me alone and I'm perfectly happy with that. Let me know if I fuck something up, of course, but if it's working and getting done as you want then just leave me be and that's all I ask. So perhaps the photo thing grew out of that? kind of another method of acknowledging that I was there, that I was a part of something? I dunno..
As for why don't I post more self-portaits, that one's far more simple. They suck. I'm extremely particular about my own photography (far more so than my skill offers me any right to be), and though I've taken hundreds of self-portaits I feel that most of them suck and often they don't even make it out of the camera (ah the joys of digital). I'll get a good one one of these days, and when I do I promise I'll post it. :)

hrmm. that's it for now.. more to come later!