Log in

No account? Create an account

I say blah // braindump - Lograh — LiveJournal

Monday, 14.Feb.2005

22:20 - I say blah // braindump

Previous Entry Share Flag Next Entry

hrm.. perhaps now I can get on with my life?

timing is everything. really, there is no other way to describe the messes I find myself in sometimes. I'll have some particular goal, one that should be considered reasonable under any other circumstances, but given my current situation it's not even considerable. bah! and I've got this annoying little . . . *nrg* in my head that just won't let up no matter how much I try to rationalize or reason it away. "wait another 6 months and we can do that, no problem" -- never shuts it up. I set up a nice little method for acheiving this, putting little bi-monthly or monthly checkpoints so I can know if I'm on-schedule or not, but it doesn't do one lick of good. the only way I can manage to actually get that bit to shut up is to just give up entirely on the goal and accept never fulfilling it. 'course then it doesn't really go away, but at least it bugs me less (with the occasional bitching about the turn of events).

*switching gears*
so, I've been told I need to stop thinking the way I do. I have particular opinions about my life that have been spotlighted as incorrect (or, at the very least, counter-productive). problem is, the news was delivered without discernable pointers about possible methods for changing said issues. guess I'll have to be thinking about this for a bit. I'm not the quickest at introspection, but I'll eventually come up with something. problem is, the results I've come up with in the past have been brought to question sufficiently often enough that I have to assume that the process I use is significantly flawed. how does one give a critical eye to one's own introspective methods? how can one accurately question the very axioms used to judge the results of one's questions?

in short, I'm not terribly satisfied with me. I like some things about me, but there are plenty of things about me that I'd rather not have. some habits I'm allready actively trying to break. other habits that I'm trying to create (why is it allways harder to create habits you want than habits you later decide you don't want?). but that's just at the surface level. minor lifestyle changes that I'm working on, but nothing that actually has any impact on me as I see myself. time to dig deeper, I suppose.

Perfect time for it, too. I've got plenty of homework that needs avoiding. :)

How to best approach this, though? Should I just scrap all my current goals? no. I suspect that regardless of how I wind up, should I even manage to change anything at all, I'll be rather pleased with having stuck with school. Should I try to segment out my life and just focus on one segment at a time, then? perhaps, but how does one categories their thinking? where would emotions fall? should I have a category for each of the deadly sins? I certainly have enough of each in my mind to fill a bin bearing that name (perhaps a few bins in a few choice areas). Should I start just with what I think I'm doing right and try to emphasise that more than try to disrupt the bahavior I consider not so right? that doesn't hold, as my current judgements of 'right' and otherwise are based on thinking that is itself questionable.


I know from past experiance that I'm not the 'overnight' kind of changer. I've done this twice before and it can take a few months. once was mostly without concious effort, it just kinda happened (there was some prodding, but only in specific areas). The time after that was quite the mental tear-down and required taking a few weeks off from life (followed by a few months of only part-time duty). they both had results I feel were rather positive, and have left a lasting mark on who I am.. and the core issues at hand in both are things that I think should still be kept.
At least, I keep hearing other people tell me them. I'll assume the repeated mention by others must lend some credibility.

so yeah, I think I know one place to start. but this will take some thinking.. I suspect I need to stop being nice to people. yet I should be a nicer person. I'm still quite the asshole in many ways. I have an amazing ability to be very mean to people, and my lack of concern for others is one of the bigger things that bothers me. problem is, there are a few people in my life that, for some reason or another, seem to bring out that side of me more than others. I need to decide what to do about them. do I let them stay in my life and just find better ways of dealing with my own actions? perhaps if I put another layer of membrane over it this pearl will finally be finished? or do I remove them entirely and just move on with my own life? avoidance is such a wonderful way to get around a problem without having to work on fixing it at all. :)
Or perhaps this is one of my assumptions that needs to be changed? See, I've come to beleive that it is not my place to tell other people how to live their lives. you have your thoughts, and your life, and your reasons for your actions. it's not my place to say if any of them are wrong or right. I can provide my opinion of them and how they would fit (or not) into the rest of my life, but that is just judging aspects of your life by rules I've developed for mine. No, when it comes to someone acting in a way I don't appreciate, I don't feel justified in telling that person that s/he needs to stop acting that way.
I think this assumption needs to be slightly modified. relaxed, if you will. while it is fine and dandy that I let other people act in ways that bother me, I should at least let them know that their actions bother me rather than just be silent about it. perhaps.. as you can see, I've allready been thinking about this one in particular for some months now. still not sure what the general result should be, or what course of action I'll take. I'm too much the stereotypical capricorn in that respect. I'll spend years thinking about a course of action before actually taking it (another aspect of me that I'm trying to alter). Not that I'm afraid of risks, or that I'm afraid of being wrong, or anything like that.. just that.. I don't know why. I just sit there considering it, not shying away from it but not launching towards it either. Perhaps motivation needs to be changed first instead?

So you see another issue.. when there is so much that needs changing, where does one start?

Perhaps one starts by not staying up so late on a work night and goes to bed for to be getting some sleep in preparation for tomorrow.. I really ought to be more firm about my bedtime, knowing how poorly I fair on less than 8 hours of sleep..

my appologies for any spelling/grammar errors above, not that I'm the best at that stuff to begin with but I was just kinda typitty-spewing it and not taking much time or care for proofing.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled mobloging of no personal depth or meaning. :)


[User Picture]
Date:7:01 15.Feb.2005 (UTC)

Change, the horribleness of it all.


First off, what triggers you to be harsh to these specific people? Is there a common behavior or comment that they make? What gets your goat? Do they have control over a portion of your life, are their idiotic machinations interfering with your goals?

If they are fools who are not impacting your life but simply bringing it down then it is not a bad thing to avoid them. Example, I do not communicate with my biological family at all, no letters, phone calls, and I don't think they even know where I am. It was a traumatic decision based on the fact that I gave them power over me and they used me to their own selfish ends. Every contact was painful, their lack of understanding and misguided ideas on what familial obligations were that nearly destroyed me. The wrenching conflict between what I was programmed to think as right and my own desire for freedom was killing me. To that end, bye family. I will make my own with friends.

Secondly, let me tell you about my broken dam of damn. It is my problem child, my stupid way of "coping" that I learned too young and have not fully shaken off. I wish to change a behavior so I make a solomn blood oath,,,days go by and my attention slips and suddenly I am yanked to halt by the realization I have let myself lapse into laziness. HORRIFIED, I pull out my imaginary cat-o-nine tails and wail into my back, bloodying myself for the infraction. The problem is I'm not adressing two distinct things; one, I'm human and its going to take a lot to push the bolder up the hill until it crests the hill of training and rolls down forever powered, and two, I'm focussing more one the lapse rather that reasserting the behavior. I've had to learn the phrase "Chill out silly and do it again."

Last thing, there is another phrase that has bearing. "Your right to swing your fist ends at my nose." I know that you will feal viserally better if you tell them where their little red wagon needs to be fixed but most people don't want to hear it. If they come to you and ask you why you are avioding them them=n tell them. Just be prepared when they don't really listen to what you are saying. Accept them back if they do. If you are offended by rude comments simply frown, visually show that you are not amused and leave the area, do something else. Pricks only rise when they are surrounded by supporters. Even a fake laugh encourages them, vocally protesting gives them something to chew on. Of course, all bets are off if a friend needs help, brass knuckles come forth righteously.

Obsolutely finally, I've been reading your posts for a while now, and you've given me words of encouragement. I find that you are an exceptionally astute and intelligent person who is also a problem solver. Introspection is fuck-all hard, I've had to learn it just to keep up with old Voidheart. Do not become discouraged when you first start mucking about with your brain-bits. Just remember to write stuff down as it comes to you (prolly not live journal material, never publish a map to you that you that is that specific :) ), as you will need to go back and refer to it. Write down every victory in bold bright colors, be strident in your goals, only note the setbacks in tiny writing as you need to remember the pitfalls to avoid.

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
Date:3:09 16.Feb.2005 (UTC)

Various thoughts inspired by your brain dump

Ok, this is an impressionistic gloss on what I read.

  1. Ok, what's up with trusting others opinions of how you should think more than your own? You even state in your post that you try not to judge others as you recognize their experiences are different from yours. Applying the same logic to your own actions, no one but you lives in your skin, has had your life experiences or knows what you know, so who are we to judge the efficacy or rightness of your brain processes.

  2. Using language such as "I think you should" is a handy way of not owning one's own responsibility for one's own feelings, as it says that the feelings are justified because xyz rather than that I feel abc. The second formulation allows you to decide how you wish to react to my abc feelings, which leaves everyone in charge of their own actions.

  3. It's a good think to introspect, and your process is what it is.

  4. A lot of people hold onto people who aren't good for them anymore. Extreme examples of this include situations of domestic abuse. More moderate situations include the friend with whom you simply don't connect anymore, but you spend bunches of energy and time trying to remanufacture the glow. I'm using the generic you here, not the specific you. There's a time to hold on and a time to let go.

I'm not sure what help my ramble is, but for what it's worth, there it is.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
Date:6:30 16.Feb.2005 (UTC)
Not wanting to waste your time with idiots and assholes doesn't mean you aren't a nice person. It just means you have standards.

Nice people like other nice people. Look for them and your niceness will shine forth in their presence. Let the assholes make each other miserable. Deal with them when you must, avoid them otherwise.

Change is an incremental process. It starts when you decide to make the change--the rest is follow-through.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
Date:5:32 21.Feb.2005 (UTC)

Interpersonal relationships

Personally, I have to weigh the positive and the negative that each person brings into my life. If someone is vastly worthwhile to me, but has an issue, I will bring the issue to the other person's attention for discussion of possible solutions. If the person is just in my life, without my constantly choosing to keep him/her in it, frequently the person, on evaluation, is not worth the bother and is silently deleted from the address book (sometimes the direct method is necessary, but I'm not especially confrontational, so I prefer not having to outright say "I don't want you to be part of my life anymore").

Anyone who is not open to discussing how to work through issues is automatically not worthwhile.

Habit is not a good enough reason to remain friends. Respect must be earned.

None of this is easy. I wish you the very best of luck, and send *hugs*!
(Reply) (Thread)