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list the second! - Lograh — LiveJournal

Sunday, 22.Jun.2003

23:58 - list the second!

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so, yeah, I can't sleep. And G3 gave me an assignment a few days ago that I've been putting off (I allways procrastinate when it comes to homework). Fortunately, it's related to my most favorite of subjects.

so, one of my favorite past-times is to think about how much I suck. What G3 said I should do (in light of my "what I look for in a grrl" list), is to come up with a list of traits about me that could make a relationship with me difficult -- ranked in order of importance to me (that is, ascending order of my willingness to change them). This is supposed to be a serious list, trimmed of all the bullshit I often come up with when just idly musing on my suckness, and restricted to aspects of myself that can seriously get in the way of a relationship.

I've got this far, but I know there's got to be more than this (only one relationship so far in my life, there *has* to be a reason). So I'm asking for help from y'all. This is not like my usuall "tell me something about me that sucks" question that I know bothers you all (and I'm honestly trying to stop that, I didn't know it bothered you so much). For one, this list was G3's idea -- blame him. :)

So, that said, the list of reasons a relationship with me won't work:
top = I'm not very willing/able to change
bottom = I actively want to change, please help.

my self-degradation
my depression (mostly minor now, but still there)
how I handle praise
my need to be alone sometimes
my religion
my particular methods of thought
my need for affection (non-sexual contact in particular)
{---drop to things I'm willing to work on---}
I'm a bit of an elitist.
my political views
I Sleep (yes, that's with a capital 'S' -- I like to do it a lot)
I'm secretive (here because it can turn off some people early on, but low on the list because as I get closer to someone, it can go away)
my transportation constraints
my dietary habits (don't know if I *can* change, but I'm willing to if it's important)
{---big drop to things I don't care much about---}
my hair/clothes/etc (I've sometimes been labeled a fasion disaster)
my baggage (but hey, it's a full matching luggage set -- with trim!)
I seek external validation (of the negative type) often.


[User Picture]
Date:6:28 23.Jun.2003 (UTC)
Interesting assignment. I hope it helps you become more introspective. I also hope that the top item will be dropped towards the bottom as you reflect on things. That's a pretty bad one to not be able to change.
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[User Picture]
Date:7:09 23.Jun.2003 (UTC)
in a way, it does help. mostly for the "no bullshit" factor..

As for that top one, don't count on it. It's been a major part of my life as long as I can remember (cut it with the jokes about my memory). That little voice has allways been there. Hell, sometimes it's the only motivating factor I have to get up in the morning. Which reminds me, I forgot to put depression up there!
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[User Picture]
Date:10:58 23.Jun.2003 (UTC)

My two bits

Don't forget that you chose to have that single relationship rather than take up offers or try to get into little crappy, meaningless relationships.

So while there is a reason that you've only been in one, it was your choice to also not pursue "substandard" relationships (which is not necessarily to say just substandard women, but also to include bad pairings).

So, if you want to change that, then your attitude about a mate in general and your elitism or snobbery (not sure if they're the words I'm looking for to describe you, but that's what I have) should change. However, if you want to continue this course of action and thought (and I don't see it as a negative thing - I have a couple examples in my life of *not* applying such standards I now feel I should have), then it should be accounted for in why you've only had one relationship.

If I were in your shoes, I would have have that list ordered differently. My lack of fashion sense, my methods of thought, my political views, they're what define me in a way I like. If any of these define you in a way you like, do you really want to change them?
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[User Picture]
Date:11:30 23.Jun.2003 (UTC)

Re: My two bits

well, a lot of them define me in a way that I am at least accepting of. The top 5 (or so) are pretty much solid ingrained habits that I'm likely to never change. partly because I can't, partly because I don't really see why I should. they are listed, though, because they can (and have) caused problems with potential (and actual) relationships.

As for my attitude about a mate, you are correct. And I do realize that. Part of the reason I've spent so much time alone is because I'm very damn picky about who I'll even try to have a relationship with. I am very much an elitist (I think I'll have to add that one to the list also), and part of me is happy with that fact.

still, though, it's not like I've only asked three people out in my life. Often, it seems I get turned down a lot more than what could be considered an average percentage of the time.
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[User Picture]
Date:12:16 23.Jun.2003 (UTC)

Re: My two bits

I just saw your re-categorization of that list. It occurs to me that those you cannot/will not work on are probably your biggest problem in this situation.

However, I realized that you have an also bi-polaresque contradiction with your need to be alone and you need for affection (at different times). I know I put off people with my bi-polar self, and I can see that as well with you. Your need for affection will put off more solitary women, and your need to be alone will putoff more affectionate women. Your dilemma will be finding a mix, or someone willing to deal with the side they don't like.

I have a similar issue. I am not the hopeless romantic I used to be. I really am my own person, and at times I do keep myself separate. Sometimes that bothers Sam, but she deals with it, and in turn I deal with being affectionate during times I'd rather just chill solo.

And that whole soloness of me is up on my list of things I don't have the capacity to change (at least in will, if not ability). However, I am willing to compromise on it because Sam's need for affection is up on her won't-change list as well.

So, while you may not intent to change them, don't expect to get away with playing the "I'm in an alone mood" or "I am depressed" card all the time freely. But then I'm sure your relationship with Katie showed you that you won't always be able to play those cards. I'm just restating that idea, make sure you don't lose sight of that.
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